Gentlewoman

Have you seen this UK magazine?  It is difficult to track down here in Australia but it is worth it. 

There are only two editions a year, and it is heavy and thick and glossy and decadent like an Italian Vogue, and packed full of fantastic interviews, great fashion, amazing photography and lots of dreamy things.   To me, it is exactly what a magazine should be.   I am off to Amazon to try to find a cheap subscription. 

On the cover is Christy Turlington my favourite secret crush supermodel.  I loved her in the 80s, I love her doing her yoga thing and I love her being a mother.     To me, she has always seemed very unaggressive and gentle.  No tantrums, no odd surgery. 

(by Peter Lindbergh)

(by Sofa and Mauro)

It was my birthday this week and I received yesterday a lovely little package in the post which looked like this:

It was from Jane, fellow lawyer and blogger, of Planet Baby.  So thoughtful in this day and age to take the time to make a gift, wrap it, write a card and post it all.  Just blows my mind really.  Thank you dear Jane it is much appreciated (and you have a lot of challenges at the moment) and here is the gift, a divine Liberty heart, sitting for moment against a bronze Buddha we bought in northern Thailand a lifetime ago. 

I am becoming scarily addicted to Instagram. I know I am hardly cutting edge in this, but I do love it so. 

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At last

This morning I had my final Herceptin treatment.

As much as I love the ladies in the oncology suite I fervently hope I never have to set foot there again until the day I die of natural causes at the age of 84.  I made them a plate of chocolate gingerbread which somehow seemed inadequate (not to say unhealthy) for all the great care they had provided to me.

I feel like I have run a particularly gruelling torturous marathon. I sat down the other day and did my 'out of pocket' medical expenses table for the accountant (thank you, evil Medicare and health insurer for not paying me for any of my Chinese medical expenses and no it is NOT a lifestyle choice).

It made me feel quite unwell to revisit all I have been through.    It was almost like going through it again.  And of course I felt relieved that I was even around to be doing an Excel spreadsheet of medical costs. Because that is what people say don't they?  That we should be thinking 'well at least I'm not dead'.  But really you could say that about any crap experience. It doesn't make it any less horrendous.

A particularly satisfying rainbow down at the beach

When I look at my treatment course I find it hard to believe I found the time to keep working.  And cooking. And being a wife.  And raising two occasionally temperamental children who have been through something no child should have to (as much as I tried to keep on an even keel and keep it hidden, they knew, as all children do, that things were not quite right last year).  

I certainly didn't have the time to write here as much as I could have or should have.

You see, it's not just the chemo which is distracting.  It is all the miscellanea, or paraphernalia which comes with a cancer diagnosis.

As a test, I thought I would see if I can remember what has in fact been keeping me busy since 20 December 2010. And lo and behold, I could.  Engraved on my soul, I guess you could say:

• two major operations
• two breast biopsies
• one MRI
• 2 CT scans
• 2 bone scans
• one liver ultrasound.
• two mammograms
• two breast ultrasounds
• 4 x fortnightly AC chemotherapy (average length - four to 5 hours)
• 12 x weekly Taxol chemo (average length 3 hours)
• 12 x weekly Herceptin infusion (with Taxol)
• 15 x 3 weekly Herceptin infusion (average 2 hours).
• 5 heart scans (MUGA and EKG)
• 1 stereoscopic biopsy.
• 4 self injections of Neulastin (for blood count)
• 6 x injections of Zolodex (don't ask)
• 11 surgical consultations
• similar number oncology consultations
• monthly acupuncture and Chinese herbal consultation with the Professor.
• countless, and I do mean too many to count, blood tests. 

And I hasten to point out my treatment was relatively straightforward with very few complications.

It's a full time job, having cancer.   These things take time.  Getting the referral, booking appointments, sitting around waiting waiting.  Drinking something awful or having blood taken and waiting a bit more.   Trying not to stare too much at the other people.  Burying my nose in a book or my IPhone.   Waiting a bit more. 

I have sat in many waiting rooms.  Waiting rooms with nothing but four year old golf magazines. Waiting rooms with ugly flower paintings.  With silly background musak. With morning TV.   With people sitting staring at the wall trying to come to terms with unspeakable news.  With people crying. 

But I have also made wonderful friends, and shared many many jokes with all kinds of people, because when things are black one can often still find a reason to smile.  

THANK YOU ALL for your words of encouragement, support and friendship.  What I would have done without you all, I do not know. 

In a horrible kind of symmetry, last week a lovely fellow blogger, Annie, who is from Queensland was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Please visit her here and give her lots of support.

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Nautical Shelves

So long since I posted! I have been shaken out of my reverie by a kindly follower who emailed to see if I was okay.  Thank you.  

The truth is, I have been enjoying life with a minimum of injections and doctors appointments, so much so I have slipped away from here a bit.   Only one more treatment to go.  I am counting down the days till the 26th of March.  Yes it's true, I have been having intravenous treatment for that long - 15 months.  

But I do realise that if I tell people about the cancer and then don't blog, it may make people think the worst. 

Fear not, dear readers.   Am feeling fantastic.  But am sorry for lack of comments.  Really I Must Do Better. 

I have been doing a little project at the beach which took longer than it should due to delays with the wallpaper samples arriving. 

It is very simple, but makes my son's very plain little room a bit more perky.

Here is his little bed:

Longtime readers will remember I made the boat pillow during a Sunday afternoon burst of creativity.

I have found Pottery Barn and the Land of Nod to be invaluable online resources.  These places probably seem basic to readers from the US but for mine simple reasonable quality children's linen which is not festooned with superheroes or Thomas the Tank Engine is not easy to come by here in Australia.  This cover is an all in one padded doona.  Really easy to clean, and lies flat. 

There are some shelves in this room where we keep books and clothes.

I got some sample wallpaper online and lined the shelves like this:

It doesn't intrude into the zen whiteness of the room, but it really make the shelves a focus point. The wallpaper is by Thibaut and Ralph Lauren.   UK wallpaper sites are happy to send lots of samples to you, sometimes for free, sometimes for a small fee. 

In other news, I have joined Twitter.  Not 100% sure why, as I always said I have nothing interesting to say in less than a short paragraph.  But we shall see.  It does allow me to spy on people I have long been a little bit secretly obsessed with like Anthony Bourdain and Bret Easton Ellis.  Feel free to follow me.  I will not be bombarding you with tweets, I can assure you.  


Next on the list, Pinterest. 


xo

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Bunkroom Redo

I finally got round to taking photos of our bunk room.  It takes a long time to fix up these rooms when you are only doing it on the weekends, with lots of breaks for rest.   It also took weeks for this wallpaper to arrive from the UK, as they had to do a new print run *. 

 (Ralph Lauren Great Harbour from the Family Places Collection) 

Remember when we bought the house this room looked like this:

Because I don't know what I am doing I didn't use a proper undercoat so ended up painting the walls about 5 times.   But that was good because it gave me enough time to spot the gaps where the insects and spiders come in (there are many cracks unfortunately, and because it is kind of a basement room the creepies love to come in and sleep.  Not mentioning that to the children.) 

You may recall the many problems this room has: very low ceiling, funny shape, structural pole in middle of one side, and that triangle window.

They had painted the wall around it to look like Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon cover, so I felt a bit bad painting over it but needs must. 

I got some great advice for this window, including a square blind and plantation shutters.  Here is what I have done.

(Curtains come from Pottery Barn, they are a lovely sage green) 

That's right, nothing.   The reason for this decision is that once I had painted the room and wallpapered this wall I thought it would just be better to leave it as is, with clean lines.  It is not a room which gets used all the time, and the light is not an issue. 

There was also a financial reason.  Because of the shape the plantation shutter would need to be custom made (the window is 1 metre each side).  The quote I got was $1650.   For one shutter.  (I sent it to my husband to give him a nice fright and he emailed me back 'No.  For the avoidance of doubt, no.'  I love that expression.)


So it is just going to be a nudie window for now. 

(this rug is from Freedom Furniture) 

Here is a detail of one corner, note gaps, and corrugated iron ceiling which I love, it is very Australian). 

At the other end of the room I have put in a 'low line' 3 bed bunk.   Here is my son demonstrating the top level.   The bunks work pretty well, although you can see it is a slightly awkward fit.  I found some green ticking linen from Provincial Home. 

Here is the other end of the room.  So far no furniture, I need a side table or something here.  

The chairs are temporary. 

And in case you are wondering, this is the view from triangle window.  The driveway, some gumtrees, and a bit of ocean.   

This is actually the very first room I have painted and redecorated from scratch!  It felt good.  

Happy Australia Day!


* if you live in Australia you will know that a lot of websites will say 'Cannot be shipped to Australia' or some such, because the supplier has some tie up with a business in Australia.  This wallpaper had the same prohibition but I thought I would order it anyway.  And it must have slipped through their systems because it did eventually arrive!

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Home Remedies

I have been a most neglectful poster so far this year.  But I have had a wonderful holiday down at the beach, so much so that when I returned to work I forgot my main computer password and even what day it was.   One of those fantastic sandy salty beach holidays where the children tumble exhausted into bed each night, and we watch no television and read books and gaze at the sea for hours on end.   Just perfect.

I promise to post pictures of our bunk room, and some of the house next time round, I just have to remember to take my camera down with me.

Real non holiday life has been a bit of a shock this year, because the Herceptin which is infused into me every three weeks has been giving me some trouble.   You may recall Herceptin is the wonder drug with no side effects, which I am on until April (a year in total).  

 

I have such a minimal kitchen. Every now and then I hanker for a kitchen like my gran's. Like this.

I don't get angry about much these days, at least I try not to, but I was unreasonably enraged at my dashed expectations.  Particularly because I have been on Herceptin for 6 months now with very little impact, so I really thought I was coming to the end of the pain and discomfort.If there is anything worse than a cancer drug with lots of scary well publicised side effects, it is a cancer drug which you are assured has No Side Effects but in fact does.    Each weird ache and pain convinced me I had something unspeakable like secondary bone cancer.  BUT 30 seconds of Internet research demonstrated I am not crazy, and that Herceptin does have some well known side effects.  It is just that those side effects are still denied by many nurses and doctors.  

Pink fridge courtesy of an automotive painter

The side effects vary, and obviously not everyone gets them but mine are constantly runny nose, thin nails, and terrible joint pain.   The first two I can live with but the joint pain, which also featured when I was on Taxol, is stabby and painful, severe enough to wake me at night and particularly bad in my left shoulder and collarbone and wrists and ankles and in my feet when I first wake up.   My joints crack when I move them. It is like being 90 years old.  It is technically arthralgia, not arthritis because there is no swelling.

The last thing I want to do is take more pain killers.  So I thought that before I resorted to Panadol I would try some home remedies.  And whilst I was researching this, it occurred to me that there are a few bits and pieces from my pantry which I now use regularly which have really helped me.  I use these in conjunction with good old nuclear grade conventional medicine.    And exercise.  Being a recent convert to exercise, I feel a bit preachy going on about this, but strenuous weight bearing exercise has really helped me over the last year, and definitely helps with joint pain. 

All I need now is for my grandmothers to come back to life so I can chat to them about what they cooked up in their kitchens. 

Apple Cider Vinegar.  ACV is meant to be a cure all for many things, but particularly good for joint pain (arthritis, gout and all others).  Sounds too good to be true doesn't it?  You take it as 2 teaspoonsful in a standard glass of water, I think warm is the best.  What I am about to tell you will amaze you. I have been taking ACV this way twice a day for a week now, and my joint pain has almost completely gone.   I love you ACV.   If you are interested in the claims for ACV, check out Earth Clinic, which is an all round fascinating site, but you may need to take a big pinch of salt because in my view some of the posters are clearly nutters.
I use this one:

It is also apparently great for hair, you use it as a pre or post shampoo rinse, it gets rid of gunky build up.  Haven't tried this yet. 

Turmeric and cayenne (ie chilli powder) great for sinus and easy to use a lot if you do lots of Indian cooking as I do.  Turmeric is a blood purifier and an immune system booster.  You can make a turmeric tea if you can be bothered, like this: a teaspoon in warm milk, or alternatively, simmer a teaspoon plus some cardamom in water, then add same amount of milk.  You can sweeten with honey.   An Ayurvedic would also suggest you add a couple of spoonfuls of almond oil.   You can also steep ginger, honey and lemon juice in hot water, then add some turmeric powder and a dash of cayenne.  Very good for colds.

Lemon in hot water. When I can remember, which I confess is less often than it should be, I take this first thing in the morning, as a nice way to cleanse the body before the rigours of the day.  And on the days I remember I definitely feel better inside.

Green smoothies.  I have talked about these here.  Unfortunately kale is out of season at the moment in Melbourne. I have asked my mother who has a green thumb and a fantastic veg garden to try to grow some so I have a ready supply.  In the meantime I am using lots and lots of spinach as a substitute.

Tea tree oil.  I dab this on chemo related spots.  I also use this in my home made anti lice conditioner (one bottle of cheap conditioner, half empty out, put in small bottle of tea tree oil, small bottle of eucalyptus oil and small bottle of lavender oil.  Mix and use weekly in place of conditioner.  My daughter has not had lice for 5 years now!).

Coconut oil. I use this on really dry foot bits. And also use lots in cooking. And on my cereal when roasting it to make it a bit crunchier.

 And finally, whilst not a home remedy, here is some Eyelash help.   Another nasty surprise from Herceptin was my eyelashes falling out 4 months after I finished chemo.  For the second time.  But just in one eye.  My eyelashes have always been rather pale, and not much to brag about, but this really annoyed me so I went off to Mecca Cosmetica and bought this, by French brand Talika:

So far it has really helped, my lashes are definitely thicker and longer.   Do you have a cure all from your pantry?

(Images (1), (2), (4) Country Living, (3) House and Hem (5) Eva Kylland)

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Surviving

Before we had children we used to eat, literally every week, at a restaurant called the Bengal Tiger, which kicked off my obsession with Indian food.   Once we had children we cut back on the endless restaurant dining and so I had no choice but to cook Indian at home, which I have done, almost every week, ever since.

There is something very life affirming about Indian food.  The orange chilli powder, the musky clove and cinamon smells, the saffron yellow turmeric, the grinding of spices, the slow slow braising of chicken, the snowy fluffy rice, all those pulses and grains, the little dishes filled with yoghurty condiments and spicy salads.   And of course there is no such thing as 'Indian' food just as there is no such thing as 'Chinese' food.  So you can endlessly discover new dishes.

(some of my Indian cookbooks)

Which is why all I really want for Christmas is this book by Christine Manfield:

And then one day, off to Agra I will go, to do something like this:

(courtesy Brandon Van Slyke *)

On Saturday it will be a year exactly since my cancer diagnosis.  On that day I will be heading off to my hairdresser to address my unsatisfactory way too short mousey brown boofy hair.  As much as my hair is driving me berko, as I keep saying to myself, at least I am not dead.   My Oncologist Who Doesn't Believe in Remission** (and who also told me that cancer is just the wrong form of energy, which is why I love him) doesn't want me to dwell on this awful anniversary, and I think that makes sense. 

Last year, unusually, I had bought all my presents and even set the table for our twenty person Christmas lunch a good 10 days before Christmas, unheard of for me. And then the next day I had the diagnosis. It was as if on a subconscious level my body knew what was about to happen.  If nothing else, this year has completely convinced of the powerful mind-body connection. Not that you can cure yourself by positive thinking, no not at all.  Those who read this blog will know I do not believe in that at all.  Rather that there are so many things our bodies know, we just have to listen. 

This is our Star Wars Advent Calendar.  I know.   Unbelievable isn't it.  Who would have thought that Star Wars was so Christian.   But my goodness the children love it.

So to the point, which is that last night we went on our once every 9 years trip to the opera.  It was La Traviata, by Verdi.  You know, the One with the courtesan (ie prostitute) Violetta who sacrifices her love for her penniless young man Alfredo only to be reunited with him and then dramatically drop dead from consumption.  That one.  

And I sat there and thought, really, so much of last year has just been about surviving.  Getting out of bed and making it from one day to the next.   Dreading the little twinges.  Over Googling recurrent secondary breast cancer.  Lying in bed at night, sleepless, convincing myself that I am fine, and just a very lucky person.  Wondering if I will even be alive to see my already slightly moody daughter become a teenager.  Hoping I will be around to teach my son the correct way to treat women and to make sure he doesn't break his neck playing football.  

Next year, I hope, will be more about living. 

So it needs to be more about swimming and sunshine:

(Byron Bay - courtesy Adrian McGruther*)

and pointless beautiful things:

And whilst we are enjoying Christmas I want you to think, as I have been, quite a lot, probably too much, about the three amazing ladies, Lisa, Ellie and Sophie, who are listed under the C-word at the right (see Alright Tit, Written Off and Sophie Feels Better), who, all three, have this year had devastating news in varying degress of terribleness.  Every day they amaze me with their guts and spirit.  And every day I curse (just a little bit) the horrible random nature of life.

* these images were in a Christmas Ecard sent to me by this law firm.  Taken by their lawyers on various travel trips. And who said lawyers were boring. 

** this is kind of a long story so I might leave it for another post.  Suffice it to say he is more about curable\incurable than statistics.  And I might note I have never shown any cancer spread, so there is nothing really to be in remission from.





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The Hair Question Part 2

I have never considered myself particularly vain.  No more than the next person.  Not straining to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.   Reasonably happy with my laugh lines.  Not a face full of makeup person.  I have always believed that what lies within is so much more important than the exterior.  That is what I try to teach my children (who are taught otherwise by so many fairy tales - ugly people are bad, beautiful people are good).

But I have to say, losing my hair was a challenge almost as great as being diagnosed with cancer in the first place.

And it was not just because I didn't look that great without hair.   Let's face it, who does?  I don't have a round face so I concede I may have looked a tiny bit better than some others, but still.

It was just that I missed feeling like myself.  I have always had longish (shoulder length) hair.    I felt colder with no hair.  I had nothing to run my fingers through, nothing to fuss with.  Nothing to wash and blow dry (well I admit that part was good).  Nothing to tie back, or clip up.   

When I wrote this post I was full of ideas for head scarves.  In reality, I never wore a head scarf.  Not once.  I did wear hats, and I was given some lovely ones.  And I wore my trusty wig.   I have been wondering why, and I think the answer to the question is quite simple.  I didn't want people to know I had cancer.  You might think that is strange given this blog.   It's not that my cancer was a secret. I just really didn't want the flash of pity I would see in people's eyes when they saw my hairless state.

So I went with the Big Con of the wig.   And really it is amazing how many people did not realise it was a wig.  Even now, people who have seen me regularly all year find out and can't believe it.

(My Wig Disclosure Policy was as follows: if someone who didn't know about the cancer (some clients, cafe people, school people) commented on my hair more than once (including comments like please tell me the name of your hairdresser), I would tell them it was a wig. I felt mean about this because I could see the surprise in their eyes but I think if someone has commented twice on how nice your hair is you can't keep up the charade of pretending it's yours.  This situation happened to me just last week with the divine girls who run the before school program for my son.  I could see them thinking: WTF?  This woman we have seen three times a week all year has had chemo for cancer and wears a wig?!)

In fact as it turns out I never lost all my hair.  Just about 90% though.  And in the mire of chemo treatment you tend to lose track.  But I never shaved it off.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.   And it is true it does grow back very quickly.  But the inbetween stage from pixie and cute to normal is just interminable.

I always said I could cope with hair loss if I kept my eyebrows.  Then when I lost them I said I could cope with that if I kept my eyelashes.  But they went too. 

And do you know when that happened?   In a cruel twist, my brows and lashes went, almost overnight, about 2 weeks after chemo ended.  I had read that might happen but thought I would escape that fate.  

I have learned that you really need eyebrows you know.  They add definition and structure.    I appreciate them more than ever now.   Anyway they did grow back quickly.  And eyebrow pencil works wonders although I am pretty sure you don't kid anyone with it.

So what now?  Well, slowly slowly it grows back.  I looked like Jean Seberg in the photo above for about a week.  And now it is tufty, sticking outy, boofy and not that nice to look at.  Or as my mother said, in that inimitable tactless way mothers have 'Why your hair looks just like your little brother's.'  Who wants to look like their brother?  I don't. 

And so I still cover it up.   Cowardly, I know.  But my son still prefers me to have a wig on when we go out.  And the least I can do is bow to his wishes for the moment.

For any of you reading who may be going through the hair thing, here are somethings I have learned.

1. Get your wig cut by your hairdresser.  This is really important and they probably won't charge you for it (mine didn't). They can just make it a bit more uneven, a bit choppy.  Much more realistic than the bowl shape most wigs come in.

2. Do not wash your wig. I haven't washed mine once.  You may think that is disgusting but bear in mind I don't wear it to exercise, and it is thoroughly aired every night. If you wash it is gets that way too clean look. 

3. Do not believe the hairdresser who sells you expensive 'post chemo' conditioner and shampoo.  You don't need it. You hair will come back strong and thick and new.     But do take colloidal silica.  I have and it helps.  It also helped my nails.

4.  Don't listen to others about when and how to wear wig \ scarf etc.  Do what you feel like doing. It's all about confidence after all.

And one day I hope that all chemo will not involve hair loss.  And that will be so much better for all of us.

(Images Pinterest - but sorry have not saved pinners).

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